Fear and Loathing
by Teeheehee123
Summary: When it came down to it he was alone. Always alone.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, please be gentle as this is my first ever foray into writing fanfic. It may be a little rough around the edges but I would appreciate constructive feedback so that I can perhaps improve in some areas of my writing. Also, I'm terrible at deciding on titles and this was the best I could come up with, so if anyone has any suggestions I'd be glad to hear them :-)**

**Also a HUGE thanks goes out to HCrazy who encouraged me to take my muse for a spin, this one's for you buddy!**

He stood alone, gazing out into the blazing Miami sunshine. Unable to say anything, he could do nothing but stare into the distance. This was not how he imagined things would have turned out; years ago it all seemed so easy, so simple: Search the scene, find the evidence, process it and put the bad guy away. How could things become so difficult, so twisted and painful that he barely recognised the man he was today?

"_Pull yourself together you stupid old fool_" he thought to himself as he stood outside the Miami Dade Crime Lab, a place where he had spent most of his career, in a city that he had come to love as his home, a place far away from his chequered past, a place he felt he belonged. If that was so then why did he feel such anger and disgust at the things that this great city's residents were capable of?

True, it had been a hard case for everyone; no one liked working a scene where an innocent young child had been brutally and cruelly killed for nothing more than the change in their pocket. Why then was he feeling the need to tear the head off of the next person who had the misfortune of stepping into his firing line?

"_I'm ok_" he thought to himself. "_We all feel like this after such a tough case_". Shame that he didn't actually believe the pep talk he was trying to give himself; he knew that he had changed and that he was no longer the man that his team mates and the grateful citizens of Miami depended on.

It all seemed to start on that fateful day when Randy North shot blindly at him, at first he couldn't quite believe that after so many years of walking into life and death situations and coming out with barely a scratch that he could be hurt, and badly.

"_That's because you were an arrogant and egotistical idiot_" he berated himself.

It was true that he had garnered something of a reputation as invincible, walking away from all manner of situations without a speck of dust on his suit or a hair out of place. Had he become so disillusioned that he began to believe the myth that his expensive suits and designer shades were some kind of suit of armour that would protect him against anything? He once again chided himself for his arrogance and folly, how funny that a man he wrote off as harmless could be driven to such lengths. It wasn't just him that got hurt that day, Randy had endangered the life of one of his CSI's and as he lay on the ground bleeding he knew that there was nothing he could do to stop this man who had been pushed too far.

"_Another reason to beat yourself up, old man"_ he shook his head bitterly, both of his parents were devoutly Catholic and it came as no surprise that the man himself could feel guilty for just about anything, being Catholic seemed to give you a God given right to feel guilty about anything and repent over everything. "_Well, you can take the boy out of the church but you can't take the church out of the boy_"

As a man he wasn't as religious as his parents may have wanted him to be, maybe that had something to do with the fact that his father used his religious beliefs to punish his son and wife. George Caine believed he had this misfortune to get his 'girlfriend' pregnant and his religion would accept nothing less than him making an honest woman out of her. At first being married was something of a novelty but the years gave way to bitterness and resentment of a man weighed down by his responsibilities to his family whilst his friends went out and had fun. Soon George began to realise that his wife and young son were to blame for his unhappiness and he began to express his anger through physical beatings of them.

Horatio would never forget the sight of his father staggering through the front door, reeking of booze and radiating anger and resentment. Usually it was his mother that bore the brunt of the initial attack, when she could take no more his father would stalk into his room, leather belt in one hand, rosary in the other and exact his revenge on the innocent young child. His brother Ray was the result of a particularly brutal attack on his mother from his father and George's contempt for his youngest son was greater than that in which he held his wife and other son, both of who would suffer in order to protect Ray.

"_Ray, Mother, Marisol, Jesse, Speed_" he winced as he relived memories of those that he had loved and lost along the way. No matter how hard he tried to protect those around him he always failed them in the end, they paid the price for his relentless need for justice, his stubbornness and his arrogance had got them all killed, their blood was on his hands and no matter how he tried to cleanse himself he knew that he would never be free of it.

The faces of the fallen haunted his dreams, although his colleagues joked that he must live at the crime lab his real reason for being there was that he couldn't bear to return to a cold and lonely house, to be left alone with the demons in his dreams, the ones who showed him over and over again what a failure he was. Drugs and alcohol had never been Horatio's thing, instead he preferred strong coffee and long working hours as a diversion from his problems, the trouble was that work was fast becoming one of his biggest problems, his anger at suspects and lack of control of his emotions were starting to affect his ability to do his job.

He knew that his team mates had noticed the changes in him, especially since the shooting, the lines on his face became much more prominent and he could no longer hide the lack of sleep in his eyes. He had lost a lot of weight after the shooting, "_Who wouldn't?"_ he told himself, the truth was that he was existing on little more than coffee and his own stubbornness, burning the candle at both ends was showing on him physically and he knew that those around him had noticed it.

"_That's why you're hiding out here, like a coward_" he told himself reproachfully, afraid that if his colleagues saw him for who he really was that they would leave him, just like everyone else in his life had. He was about to talk himself into entering the building when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

"_There you are Horatio, I've been looking for you everywhere_"

"_Great. Just great_" he thought and sighed inwardly, "_Looks like you've had the decision made for you, old man_"

"_Frank_." Horatio put his sunglasses on slowly, adopted his favoured 'hands on hips' pose and looked sideways at his colleague. "_What can I do for you Frank?"_ he asked but not wanting to know the answer.

The big Texan was about to answer his question but before he did so he did a double-take. "_Wow, Man, you look like shit!"_ Seeing the look of annoyance on Horatio's face he at least had the decency to look a little ashamed of his tactless comment. "_Uh, I'm sorry. That didn't come out right, you don't look your usual self pal, anything you want to talk about_?" Frank backtracked as quickly as he could.

"_Frank, thank you for your concern and your honest critique on my appearance but I'm fine thank you. Just needed to get a little fresh air, you know?"_ he hoped that this would be enough to get Frank off of his back and out of his hair, brooding was so much harder when one had company.

"_Well, as long as you're feeling so chipper care to come and help me finish the paperwork on the case? I have a warm chair and a cup of coffee with your name on it and the sooner we can hand this case over to the district attorney the sooner we can all forget about it"_

And that, in a nutshell was Horatio's problem, he couldn't forget. Images and visions haunted him not only from his life but those of the victims he helped and tried to find justice for. He gave so much of himself to his job that he knew that it was slowly eating away at him day by day, piece by piece until soon there would be nothing left. He would absorb the pain of the others and make it his own, believing that after all the death in his life that he was meant to walk alone, the pain was his penance and his cross to bear alone.

"_Be right with you Frank_" he smiled at his colleague but it didn't reach his eyes. "_Just got a couple of things I need to do first_"

"_Sure Horatio, it's not like the paperwork is going anywhere_" Frank glanced at him one last time and returned to the building, knowing that something was wrong but feeling hopelessly out of his depth with trying to drag it out of Horatio, this cancerous cloud of doom that hung over him, making him look like a condemned man.

The truth was that Horatio couldn't face returning to the lab, he couldn't stand to see the looks of concern or pity on their faces, why couldn't they understand that this was his life, his problems? He was their boss, they all looked to him to be the voice of reason and their rock, when the proverbial hit it he was the one they looked to for guidance and reassurance, an island of calm in a sea of chaos. This was his cross to bear and his alone, he would take the punches if it meant that those around him were spared the pain, after all it was the most important lesson that his cruel and vile father had ever taught him. "_You're useless, boy! You'll always be failure, you only ever brought pain to this family. That's all you're good for!"_ his father spat at him in a drunken rage.

As much as he hated to admit it, maybe his father was right.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I would just like to thank the readers that took the time to review my story, it means a lot that you took the time to give me feedback!**

**Thanks also to baglady101 who suggested a better title for this, I would change it but I don't know how!**

Returning to his dark and empty home once more, he tossed his keys on the nearest table and threw his jacket over a chair. Walking back into the crime lab was much harder than he had imagined but by keeping his head down and his eyes averted he managed to avoid the looks that people were giving him. True to his word, Frank had left a steaming mug of hot coffee on Horatio's desk, he had never liked paperwork but right at this moment in time he welcomed it as a distraction from the rolling sea of chaos in his mind. "_Focus man. Focus" _he told himself over and over again, maybe he was tired or overworked but for some reason he appeared to have lost his ability to read and write in clear sentences, the words swimming in front of him as he tried to finish his report.

The day shift were long gone and the sun was beginning to set when he finally turned the light off in his office, he had half a mind to stay at the lab but decided that it was best not to give the night shift something to gossip about. Returning home was not exactly top of his agenda but he realised sadly that he had nowhere else to go. The other members of the team all had someone to come home to, be it a partner, parent, friend, sibling or pet. He had no one.

Sure, he had a family, three of them were dead, his sister-in-law and his nephew who he was once so close with had upped and left the state and barely kept in contact. "_You have Kyle" _he thought to himself, _"Kyle, my only son. My flesh and blood. Am I so hard to be around that he had to put two continents and a war between us?"_ But with Horatio's track record perhaps being in a different country was safer for Kyle; anyone who he cared about had a tendency to get killed around him.

He wandered aimlessly around the house, trying to find things to occupy his mind, eventually he found himself in his bedroom. Knowing that he would not sleep, he decided to go through the motions anyway. He took his wallet out of his pocket, then removed his badge and placed them carefully on his bedside cabinet; he took the gun out of his holster and without a conscious thought sat on the bed staring at it.

_"Just one bullet, that's all it would take. Right between the eyes old man, one quick squeeze of the trigger and it would all be over. The pain would stop. At last." _He couldn't quite believe that he was contemplating suicide and was shocked by the fact that he was seriously considering going through with it. _"Yep, that'd make my father really happy!" _In the eyes of the church committing suicide was a sin for which he would burn in hell for all eternity, maybe he was in Hell already and he just hadn't realised it as at this moment in time Hell looked a lot like Miami.

Physically shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts he checked the rounds in his weapon and took the safety off. "_Maybe Hagen had the right idea, blow your brains out and leave everyone else to clean the mess up for you"._ Hagen, his was another death that was on his conscience, another man's blood on his hands. With a deep breath he engaged the safety and placed the gun next to his badge, he didn't even bother getting undressed and just laid on his bed staring at the ceiling fan, wishing he was somewhere, anywhere else but here.

Before he knew it sleep had claimed him, coffee and stubbornness could only give you so much energy. He avoided sleeping as often as he could, with sleeping came dreaming and with dreaming came the harsh reminders of the lives ruined by his hands. He would see each of the fallen and their looks of disappointment or betrayal as they took their last breaths, _"Why didn't you save me?" _ The faces would change with each dream but that look in their eyes and the words from their mouths were always the same. Every night always ended the same way, with Horatio forcefully waking, sweating and gasping for air. He knew that it would take him hours to get back to sleep and that when he did it would only be a matter of time before his demons returned to claim him, dragging him back down into that dark and empty hole where he knew he belonged.

Tonight was no different, waking after a particularly haunting dream about Marisol he glanced at the clock on the bed side cabinet "03.25" it read, he groaned and turned over to lie on his other side. The dreams about his late wife were becoming more frequent and much harder to deal with. Sure, he had dreamt about her many times since her death but being shot had brought her back into his psyche with devastating effect.

Whilst lying on the cold and abandoned pier, feeling his blood seeping through his fingers and his life ebbing away, he knew that he wasn't in good shape when his vision started to become blurry. _"Oh crap, you've really done it to yourself this time Horatio" _he thought as he once again tried to raise himself off the ground and failed. Next thing he knew he was sitting in a restaurant with Marisol, she looked stunning in her flowing white dress, he wanted to stay with her in this moment forever.

_"You have to go back" _she told him, _"this isn't your time, there are people who need you"_

He looked at her quizzically and rose from his chair, it was then that he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen; he lifted his hand away and found it covered with blood. _"Why can't I stay here with you?" _he asked her, his eyes pleading.

_"I will wait for you my love, but you must go. You have to live, for me"_ she answered as gently as she could.

He came back to reality with sudden and brutal force, lying in his own blood on the pier he somehow managed to pull himself up and limp over to the edge to see Randy's car slowly sinking beneath the surface, he knew that he was the only chance that Natalia had of coming out of this situation alive and so he dived into the icy cold water to save her. Things were very blurry after that, the ambulance, the ER and the long, painful day that he and his team spent chasing Toller and North took their toll on his already depleted strength, he was driven by his belief that once these criminals were back behind bars that he could finally rest and return to his beloved Marisol. That must have been what she meant when he saw her, catch the bad guys and save the girl, only then could he return to her.

After his final showdown with Toller he collapsed to the ground breathing heavily, he saw his dear, sweet Marisol standing beside him once more, believing that she had come to take him with her. Hours later he woke up to find himself in a cold and sterile hospital room, machines beeped and whirred mechanically and he groaned as the room came back into focus. _"Why am I still here? Where is Marisol?"_ Suddenly it hit him like a freight train; no matter what he did or how many lives he saved it would never be enough. He had sinned too many times in his life and this must be his penance, to suffer for eternity, never knowing peace and contentment. This was his hell.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks again to everyone who has taken time to review my work, your comments are much appreciated and give me the confidence to carry on writing :-)**

**Also, I would like to say a huge 'thank you' to deeds73 who created an excellent fanart to accompany this story.**

**Here goes part three, I hope you all enjoy...**

Realising that sleep would not return he wearily rose from his bed and headed downstairs to his kitchen, deciding to make himself a coffee, he cursed as he dropped a mug on the floor, blaming his lack of sleep for his clumsiness he bent down to pick up the broken pieces only to bang his head on the cupboard door that he had left open. Anger surged through him, like a dam bursting its banks; his pain, frustration and bitterness could no longer be held in check as he screamed at the inanimate objects in the room. Anger and frustration soon turned to violence and without much conscious though he threw anything he could get his hands on towards the nearest wall. Soon that wasn't enough, next to go were the tables and chairs, when the kitchen was suitably destroyed he stalked into the next room and unleashed his unbridled fury at anything that he could lay his hands on.

Glass, plaster and broken wood littered the house, he found himself in his bathroom and turned to stare at his reflection in the mirror, he loathed the pathetic excuse for a man in front of him, so enraged with the face staring back at him that he smashed his fist into the glass over and over again. Shards embedded themselves into his flesh and he welcomed the blessed release that the bleeding afforded him, it was not long until the bleeding from his hands was not enough, he had to get the images out of his mind before they drove him crazy. He had tried his best to fight his demons and battle his pain but the visions had become too much to bear, he stood at his full height and with as much force as he could muster he slammed his forehead into the plasterboard wall, he saw stars float across his vision and felt his ears ring, he was going to rid himself of these visions even if he had to beat his brains out doing it.

He had no idea how long he had remained in the bathroom or how he ended up back in his bedroom, he sat on the bed staring out of the bay window as the sun began to rise in Miami. His anger had long since burnt itself out and was replaced by pity and self-loathing; once more he glanced at the gun on his bedside table wondering if anyone would really care if he died. He picked the gun up with shaking hands and once more disengaged the safety, he held it with the barrel facing towards him, and no matter how he tried he could not keep the gun still enough to get off a good shot.

He was shaken from his reverie by his cell phone chirping and vibrating on his bedside cabinet; he looked at the display and hung his head in despair. _"Maybe if I just ignore it they'll stop ringing me" _he thought, but he knew that the person calling him would not give up without a fight, taking a deep breath and steeling himself for what was to come he answered the phone.

_"Hello?"_ his voice barely a whisper.

_"Horatio, are you alright? I've just been woken by your neighbour Mrs Jefferies, she rung me and says it sounds like you were being attacked in your own home! Are you ok? Are you hurt?"_

_"I'm….I'm….uh…..I'm ok….Calleigh" _he responded quietly.

She knew as soon as he had answered the phone that everything was not ok, her heart hammered in her chest when she heard his defeated tone, she realised that she had to get to him. Fast.

_"Just stay where you are Horatio and don't move, I'll be with you in less than ten minutes" _shetold him whilst scrambling to get dressed and find the keys to her Hummer. She was about to tell him to stay on the line when he abruptly hung up on her.

Her tyres screeched on the gravel of the driveway, she lept out of her Hummer and hurried to his front door. Seeing no lights on she withdrew her gun from her holster, took a deep breath and slowly turned the handle of the front door. She called out his name but got no response, crossing over the threshold with gun drawn she crept quietly from the hallway into the kitchen, she reached out blindly for the light switch and prepared herself for an attack from Horatio's assailant should he still be in the house. She gasped in shock as she took in the carnage in the room; china, glass, wood and plasterboard littered the kitchen, her CSI instincts telling her that a fight of some magnitude had taken place not long ago. She carried out into the lounge and was greeted with another trail of destruction but still no sign of Horatio or his attacker, heart thumping in her chest she called out to him once more.

"_Horatio? "._ No answer.

_"Horatio, can you hear me?"_ Silence.

_"Horatio, I need you to tell me where you are. Are you hurt?"_

Panic gripped her now, visions of her friend lying in a pool of his own blood, dying flew through her mind, her gun was shaking in her hand and she willed herself to regain her composure. Then she heard it, at first she thought she had imagined it but when she heard it for the second time she knew that it was real. Climbing the staircase two steps at a time she silently checked the landing for intruders and then carefully and quietly made her way to his bedroom.

She found him there, sitting on his bed; gun in one hand and head in the other. He looked bruised and battered, his hands were covered in blood as was his face, she only hoped that the other guy had fared worse. Wary of startling him, she gently called his name once more.

_"Horatio?" _she crept further towards the bed.

He looked at her now, through the one eye that wasn't swollen shut but what she saw there shook her to the core. She had never seen this brave, strong, heroic man look so utterly defeated.

_"What happened to you?" _she asked him once more. _"Who did this to you, did you know your attacker?"_

He closed his eyes and sighed, _"I'm ok. You can put your gun away Calleigh, there's no attacker, I…..uh…..just had a bit of an accident is all"_

_"You had an accident?! In every room of your house?!" _she asked incredulously, her voice rising now. Suddenly the pieces fell into place in her mind and the realisation hit her like a tonne of bricks, had done this, all of this. To himself.

She could have smacked herself in the forehead, how could she have not seen this coming? They had all noticed Horatio becoming more and more withdrawn of late, his unpredictable mood swings and erratic behaviour had the whole team concerned. He was their fearless leader, he had been through more traumas and lucky escapes than the rest of them put together and each time he was knocked down he got back up, dusted himself off and carried on. Looking back now she could see the effect that the years had on Horatio, each blow he took weakened his legendary resistance a little and chipped away at his soul. It was only a matter of time before his armour would crumble and his strength would desert him completely.

She felt ashamed. Ashamed that she and the rest of the team had stood back and let this happen, they told themselves that he was invincible, their pillar of strength in their times of need. She now realised that this pillar had collapsed under the relentless pressure of holding the team together, through each trial and tragedy, through the pain of losing those he held so dear. She knew now that he needed her more than ever and this time she was determined. She would not let him down.


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay guys, here's the next chapter for you. Thanks again for all the reviews and the kind words of encouragement I have recieved, you guys are awesome!**

**Let me know what you think...**

Indecision gripped her, she realised that she had no idea what to do first, the house was a mess but so too was Horatio. She walked over to him and sat next to him on the bed, he turned his head once more to look at her. He looked like hell, blood running down his face from a cut above his left eye, a huge bruised lump forming on his forehead, she glanced down and saw his shirt was torn in several places; his hands were covered in blood, dust and glass. She gently reached out and took his service weapon from his shaking hands, she looked up at his weary face again and realised that although he was looking at her his eyes were unfocused and glazed, he opened his mouth to say something but he was unable to speak, she wasn't even sure if he really knew who he was or what was happening.

She too was at a loss for words, what could she possibly say that would make this any better? This man that she admired, trusted, respected and adored had fallen apart completely, she had absolutely no idea how she could put his shattered soul back together again.

Silently she rose from the bed, she placed both their weapons in the band of her trousers making sure that the safeties were on; she then crossed the landing to the bathroom intent on searching for towels to clean Horatio's wounds. She was not prepared for the scene of utter devastation that she found, shards of glass and plasterboard covered the floor, blood was spattered and smeared on the walls, sink, bath and floor. Deciding that finding a clean towel in the bathroom was a dead end she walked across the landing to the linen cupboard and grabbed a handful of towels, she wetted them in the bathroom sink and returned to the bedroom.

He was exactly as she left him, sitting on the edge of the bed now with his head in both hands; she knelt down in front of him and placed her hands on his knees.

_"It's going to be alright Horatio, let's get you cleaned up" _she told him as she squeezed his legs in reassurance; he did not move and gave no indication that he had heard her. She gently placed her hands on either side of his face and raised his head to get a better look at his wounds, they looked angry and sore but he barely moved as she gently wiped the cloth over his face. Tears streamed down her face as she quietly went about her work; she glanced back down at his injured hands and bit back a sob. Realising that it would be next to impossible to get him cleaned up properly here she wrapped his hands in towels and spoke softly to him once more.

_"Horatio"_ she squeezed his forearm as she tried to get his attention, she got no response.

_"Horatio, you can't stay here. I'm going to take you to my place and then we'll get you cleaned up properly, okay?" _Still he gave no indication that he had heard her, she gripped him gently by the arms and supported him to stand. He swayed slightly as he got to his feet, Calleigh held on tightly preventing him from sinking back down onto the bed. With her hand still on his arm she led him through the carnage and out to her Hummer, she opened the passenger door and placed her hand on the small of his back and pushed slightly. He seemed to take this as an instruction to climb into the vehicle which he did so seemingly on auto-pilot. She returned to his house and went up to his bedroom, she looked in the closet and found a sports bag which she filled with clean clothes, she took a deep breath and furiously wiped the tears from her face before returning to the car.

The short drive to Calleigh's home was the most uncomfortable journey she could ever remember making, at first she tried to talk to him to get his attention, then she tried physical contact in a desperate attempt to rouse some sort of response from him. Nothing worked; he sat in the Hummer staring vacantly ahead, a prisoner to the torment of his mind.

Calleigh pulled into her driveway and exited the vehicle, she walked round to the passenger side and took a moment to gather her thoughts before opening the door for Horatio, and she willed herself not to cry as she knew that if she started now she would not be able to stop. She knew that he needed her strength now more than ever; there would be plenty of time to fall apart later on when Horatio was better. Once more she placed her hand on his forearm and squeezed lightly.

_"Come on Horatio, we're here now. Let's get you inside and cleaned up properly" _He exited the car and followed her into her home, she turned to smile at him but it was a wasted effort, he just stood there waiting for her next instruction. She led him through to her kitchen and sat him down at the table; she removed the towels from his hands and for the first time got a good look at what he had done to himself. Realising that she had neither the skills nor tools to deal with his injuries she removed her cell phone from her pocket and dialled a familiar number. After waiting for what seemed like hours for someone to pick up the phone a sleepy voice answered.

_"Hello?"_

_"Alex, thank God you answered!" _the relief in Calleigh's voice was evident.

_"Calleigh, do you have any idea what time it is?"_

_"Alex, I'm sorry but I really need your help. It's…..it's….uh…Horatio, we need your help" _she stammered as she tried to keep her emotions in check.

_"What happened Calliegh? Is he okay?" _Alex sat up in bed now; all traces of sleep now vanished.

_"He's hurt Alex, he's at my house. I didn't know where else to take him" _Calleigh ran a hand over her face and looked at Horatio once more. _"I don't know what to do Alex, please help me" _she pleaded, completely at a loss for what to do.

_"Okay sugar" _Alex gently soothed, _"I'm coming over now, I need you to stay with him until I get there"_

_"OK Alex, I promise"_ Calleigh hung up, she had no idea how long it would take Alex to reach them and she was desperate for something to do with herself. Looking around the kitchen for inspiration her gaze fell upon the coffee maker, deciding that she definitely needed a drink she set about brewing enough for two cups. She turned to ask Horatio if he wanted one, he had his head in his hands once more, staring at the floor.

She had just placed a steaming hot cup of black coffee next to Horatio on the table when she heard a knock at her front door, relief swept through Calliegh as she rushed through the hallway to let Alex in. Thankfully she had come prepared with her medical bag; she smiled at Calleigh as she crossed the threshold, her smile soon faded when she saw the look on the blonde woman's face.

_"Hey sugar, I got here as quick as I could"_ she glanced around the hallway looking for any sign of Horatio. _"Where's Horatio, honey?"_ she asked gently.

_"He's in the kitchen Alex, I'm so sorry for disturbing you but I didn't know what else to do"_

_"That's ok sweetie, what happened to him?" _she questioned as she followed Calleigh through to her kitchen.

Calleigh was about to respond when she heard Alex gasp softly at the state of the man sitting at the kitchen table. _"My God Calleigh! What on earth happened to him? Who did this to him?" _the doctor asked incredulously as she placed her bag down on the table and knelt down to Horatio.

_"He…um…..I found him like this in his bedroom, I asked him if he had been attacked but he said he hadn't. Alex, he did this to himself" _Calleigh willed herself to keep her voice level, trying desperately to not start crying again.

Alex's eyes widened at Calleigh's admission, she attempted to hide her shock and surprise in order to concentrate on the battered man sitting in front of her. She looked him up and down, mentally cataloguing his injuries and what items she would need to treat them. Attempting to get Horatio's attention she squeezed gently on his thighs in a manner similar to Calleigh's attempts earlier, he still gave no indication of acknowledging the physical contact. _"Horatio? Horatio, it's me Alex. Do you mind if I have a look at your hands?" _When he did not respond she placed a hand under his chin and lifted his head to look him in the eyes, he looked at her with unfocussed eyes. Concerned at his lack of response she gently tapped his cheek, trying to raise him from his near catatonic state. _"Horatio, I need you to talk to me" _when this got no response she tapped his cheek harder and repeatedly until she finally got a weak grunt in response.

Alex looked at Calleigh, the concern evident on her face. _"Calleigh sweetie, where's your bathroom?" _At first it appeared that the younger woman had not heard her and so she asked again, this time Calleigh did respond, shaking the cobwebs from her mind as she gave Alex directions.

Alex squeezed his legs once more in an effort to get his attention, _"We're going to take you upstairs honey, it'll be easier to get you cleaned up in the bathroom" _she told him while moving her hands from his legs to his arms. His head hung once more, he continued to stare at the floor, Alex indicated with her head for Calleigh to join her. _"Horatio, if you can hear me I need you to stand up. Can you do that for me?"_ she soothed as she gently put pressure on his right arm, trying to raise him from the chair.

Horatio stood on shaky legs and was only held up by the two women holding on to him, between them they managed to get him upstairs to the en-suite bathroom and sat him down on the toilet seat. Although the damage to his hands was extensive Alex knew that she had to check him over thoroughly for other injuries that might not be so obvious. _"Calleigh sweetie, I need you to help me take his shirt off so I can get a good look at him" _Calleigh nodded, wiping the fresh tears from her eyes as she did so.

_"Okay Horatio, we're going to take your shirt off so that I can check you over. Okay honey?"_ taking his lack of response as permission to continue the women quickly unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it gently from his body. Neither of them was prepared for the sight that greeted them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for leaving the last chapter open-ended, I wanted to let your imaginations come up with a reason for Alex and Calleigh's shock :)**

**Here's the next chapter, I hope you all enjoy!**

His arms, back and torso were covered with marks, some were old war wounds from being on the front line of policing for 25 years but the majority of them were a mystery to Calleigh and Alex. They looked at each other in shock, _"Oh my God Alex, how did he get all of these scars?" _Calleigh gasped as she placed a hand over her mouth.

_"I don't know honey; a lot of them look pretty old. Maybe he had an accident as a kid?" _Alex responded hopefully, deep down inside she knew that it would take more than a one-off accident to leave this many marks on his body.

It suddenly dawned on Calleigh why Horatio always wore suits to work, she could not remember ever seeing him in anything except a shirt and suit, she had never seen him rolls his sleeves up in the lab or out in the field and now she knew why. At first she thought it was a quirk of his but now she realised why he always wore the clothes he did, to stop other people from seeing his scars.

Calleigh knew that Horatio was an intensely private man, his team could come to him to offload their issues but the man himself hardly ever spoke of his past or his private life, now she felt guilty for not pushing him more to open up. _"You were too busy caring about yourself to notice what was happening to him" _she chided herself, cursing the uselessness of hindsight. _"Well, it won't happen again Horatio. I promise you" _she told herself.

Meanwhile, Alex silently went about checking him over, starting first with the injuries to his head. She shined a light in his eyes and was only moderately satisfied with the response she got from his pupils, she asked him to follow the light with eyes but was unsure if his lack of response was due to his mental state or a concussion from the injuries he had given himself. She taped the gash above his left eye and then turned her attention to his hands, it took all of Alex's willpower to keep her hands from shaking as she painstakingly removed the pieces of glass and plasterboard from his, placing the bloodied tweezers down on the sink she set about checking his hands for fractures. Taking his hands gently and squeezing around his swollen knuckles she satisfied herself that neither of his hands was broken, next she checked his fingers and was not surprised to find two of them on his right hand broken, she gently reset them and cleaned both of his hands thoroughly before wrapping them in bandages.

Calleigh stood by helplessly whilst Alex checked the rest of his body for injuries, cursing herself for all the times that she let him suffer alone in silence. She mentally catalogued the times when he needed someone to reach out to him; she had failed him time and time again. She was shaken from her reverie by the doctor calling out to her.

_"Calleigh sweetie? I've checked him out and patched him up as best I can, apart from his head and hands I can't find any other signs of injury. Do you think you can help me get him to your bed?"_

Between them they guided Horatio back into Calleigh's bedroom and sat him carefully on the side of the bed, Alex silently knelt down in front of him and began the task of removing his shoes from his feet. _"Ok sweetie" _she crooned in his ear as she stood back up, _"We're going to let you lie down and have a rest now" _he still did not respond but did not show any resistance when the two women guided him down to the pillows and covered him up to his neck with the bed sheets, he just laid there staring at the ceiling. _"Try to get some sleep honey; we'll be downstairs if you need us" _

Calleigh followed Alex back downstairs and into the kitchen, her black coffee now stone cold. _"Can I get you a coffee Alex, maybe something to eat?"_

_"A coffee sounds great sweetie" _she replied, knowing that she could not stomach any food after what she had just witnessed. She suddenly felt guilty for letting their friendship slide since she left the crime lab, she promised to keep in contact regularly but the shifts at the hospital were long and hard, days soon turned into weeks and weeks into months. She had seen him in her hospital after the shooting and knew that something was not right, she put it down to the trauma of the injury, she promised she would call him with an invitation for dinner with her family when he was feeling better but never got round to it.

_"Will he be ok Alex?" _Calleigh asked, her voice barely a whisper.

_"He's got a couple of broken fingers, a mild concussion and a tonne of cuts and bruises" _she responded whilst distractedly fingering the handle of her cup. _"What concerns me more is his mental state" _she sighed, looking Calleigh square in the eyes. _"Some of his lack of response can be linked to his concussion but in my opinion he looks like he's given up, he's retreated within himself"_

_"What do we do Alex? How can we help him?"_

Alex considered her next words carefully, _"It would appear that after his outburst earlier that he has emotionally and physically exhausted himself. I'm hoping that once he has rested and regained a little strength that he'll start responding to us"_

_"And if he doesn't?" _Calleigh asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

_"If he doesn't then he's going to need a lot more help than we can give him honey" _Alex answered, tears falling from her own eyes now.

The two women sat in silence, the ticking hands of the clock the only noise in the room, both of them lost in their thoughts. After what seemed like an eternity, Alex spoke. _"I'm going to go up and check on him_" she told her friend as she rose from her chair, _"You can never be too careful with head injuries"_

_"I'll come with you" _Calleigh replied. Truth be told, neither of them wanted to be alone right now.

They crept silently up the stairs and entered Calleigh's bedroom, he was in exactly the same position that they had left him in although thankfully his eyes were now closed and he appeared to be sleeping. _"Should we be letting him sleep if he has a head injury Alex?"_

The doctor walked up to the bed and crouched down by Horatio's side, satisfied that he was still breathing and not in any immediate danger she rose and turned to look at Calleigh.

_"He has a mild concussion and the way his pupils reacted when I checked him out earlier doesn't give me any great cause for concern for the time being. Sleep is really the best thing for him at the moment"_

_"Thank God it's Saturday then" _Calleigh muttered, dreading to think of what the team would say if they found out what had happened. It was somewhat a stroke of luck that she had requested leave for next week some time ago, she was planning to spend the time relaxing and carrying out odd jobs that seemed to have slipped her mind over the last few months. _"What are we going to do about him Alex?" _her mind already thinking of excuses for Horatio's absence from the lab on Monday morning, _"There's no way that he can walk back into work looking like this" _she added, gesturing to his battered hands and face.

Alex knew she was right, even if he did snap out of his dazed state when he woke she knew that there was no way that he would be fit for any kind of work in the next few days. Between them they decided that Alex would call the crime lab on Sunday evening and tell them that Horatio had come down with the flu and would be off for most, if not all of the week.

_"What if the team want to come and visit him to see how he's doing?" _Granted, given the way that the team had shown a complete lack of concern for his well-being over the last few months she thought it unlikely that anyone would take the time to bring him chicken noodle soup but she had to ask anyway.

_"Then we'll tell them that he's highly contagious" _Alex told her as she took one last look at Horatio, she left the room with Calleigh not far behind, both feeling calmer now they had formulated some kind of plan to care for their fallen friend. _"That offer of food seems very tempting now, what do you say we have some breakfast honey?"_


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to review this story, it's much appreciated!**

**Here's the next chapter, hope you enjoy...**

Shortly after midday a soft groan could be heard from upstairs, both women leapt from the couch in the lounge and dashed upstairs to the bedroom where they found Horatio attempting to sit up in bed. _"Calleigh? Where am I?" _he asked her, the confusion written all over his face. _"This isn't my house is it? What happened to my hands?" _Panic began to set in as he realised that he had no memory of what had happened since leaving the crime lab last night.

Sensing his unease Alex sat herself down on the bed next to him and gently lowered him back down to the pillows, _"You need to rest sugar, you've been through a lot and your body needs to recover" _she tried to reassure him, it had little effect on him and he continued to try to rise from the bed.

_"What happened to me? The last thing I remember is leaving my office" _he spoke more to himself than his friends in the room, _"Why can't I remember Alex?" _He looked to both of them for answers, his frustration growing at the inability to account for his whereabouts for the last 15 hours.

_"You hit your head sweetie, that's probably why things seem a little fuzzy at the moment. It'll come back honey, all in good time" _Alex knew she was stalling and that the reason for his lack of memories had more to do with his violent outburst than the concussion he had given himself. _"Let me just check your eyes so I can see how your head is, ok?" _He nodded his head in agreement but instantly regretted it as his vision swam and a wave of nausea hit him, satisfied that his pupils were reacting fairly normally she turned off her pen torch and walked over to her kit bag to retrieve a bottle of painkillers. _"Take a couple of these Horatio, you're going to have a killer headache for the next few days but these should take the edge off of it" _she told him placing two pills in his bandaged hand, he took them and groaned again as he attempted to lift his head back to swallow. _"Get some rest sweetie, it'll make you feel better" _Horatio gave her a weak smile and closed his eyes.

Back downstairs in the lounge and out of earshot of the injured man upstairs Calleigh turned to Alex and asked _"Is that normal Alex?" _worry gripping her painfully in its clutches.

_"What do you mean Calleigh?" _Alex responded, looking at her quizzically as she resumed her place on the couch.

_"Well last night he tore his house and himself to pieces, was in a near catatonic state for several hours and now he has woke up like nothing's happened"_

_"I'm no psychiatrist honey but it seems as if Horatio's outburst was a long time in coming, when people go through a major trauma or are extremely stressed it is common for them to lash out at something eventually. It's likely that his mind is blocking the memory of last night in an effort to protect itself"_

_"So he was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off then?" _Calleigh questioned as she sat back down on the couch, wringing her hands together.

_"I'm afraid so honey" _Alex sighed.

_"Then what do we do Alex? How can we help him through this?"_

_"By being there for him" _she replied, smiling softly at her friend.

It was several hours later when Calleigh was shaken from her reverie by a loud moan coming from the bedroom, both women darted up the stairs and found Horatio tangled in his sheets, seemingly in the grip of a nightmare. He was mumbling and shaking his head back and forth, _"No! Please it was my fault! It was all my fault!" _his voice getting louder as his torment continued, Calleigh was just about to put her hand on his shoulder to shake him awake when he bolted upright in bed screaming, "No!"

Without thinking Calleigh took him in her arms and held him close stroking his back in an effort to calm him. He leant into her embrace breathing heavily and shaking violently, _"I'm sorry"_ he whispered over and over again. Once his breathing had evened out she gently positioned him against the pillows and stroked his arm until he fell asleep once more. It would end up being a long and restless night as Horatio continued to be tortured by his dreams, Alex and Calleigh took turns in sitting with him in two hour shifts whilst the other tried to get some rest.

Calleigh realised that she must have fallen asleep and was only woken by her bladder's urgent need to be emptied; she glanced over at Horatio and found him still sleeping. She got up and moved her head from side to side in an effort to work the kinks from her neck that had been caused by sleeping awkwardly in the chair. Suitably relieved Calleigh returned to her bedroom to find Horatio awake and attempting to sit up again, _"I'm sorry Horatio; I didn't mean to wake you"_

_"It's fine Calleigh" _he replied, _"I'm pretty sure I need to go to the toilet too" _he swayed again as he attempted to stand up, she rushed over to his side to help him stay on his feet. _"Still feeling a bit fuzzy I'm afraid" _he muttered whilst smiling sheepishly at her.

_"Here, let me help you" _she gave him a strained smile as she guided him to the en-suite toilet. Whilst he went about his business Calleigh busied herself straightening the bed sheets, turning as she heard the toilet door open she offered to help him back to bed but was surprised by his answer.

_"Um, I'd like to come downstairs if that's ok Calleigh" _he looked at her, unsure of her response, _"I could really do with a coffee and someone explaining what the hell happened to me". _He looked down at his hands and then realised that he wasn't wearing a top, panic flooded him as it dawned on him that Calleigh and Alex must have seen the scars on his upper body. Colour drained from his face, Calleigh saw his distress and quickly pulled a shirt from the bag she had brought with her from his place.

_"Here" _she said as she handed him a pale blue shirt, _"Put this on and I'll help you downstairs" _she tried to avoid making eye contact with him as he attempted to button it.

_"Damn!" _he swore as he fumbled with the buttons in his bandaged hands which were awkward and painful. Calleigh took his hands gently in hers and placed them down by his sides.

_"Here, let me help you with these" _she tried to smile at him but couldn't stop her eyes from watering, _"Great, can't even hold it together for two minutes!" _she cursed herself as she finished helping him dress.

_"Great, now she's seen you for what you really are" _he told himself, _"She can't even bear to look at a scarred old freak like you". _Sensing that he had zoned out on her, Calleigh called his name softly.

_"Horatio?" _when he did not respond she gently placed her hand on his arm and squeezed lightly, _"Horatio? Shall we go downstairs now?" _Having caught his attention Horatio's eyes focused back on Calleigh, he nodded his head and instantly regretted it.

_"Urgh!" _he moaned as he tried to hold one of his bandaged hands to his forehead, pain lanced through his head as a wave of dizziness threatened to send him crashing to the ground.

_"Horatio!" s_he exclaimed, _"Are you okay?"_

_"I'm fine, Calleigh" _he replied in a clipped tone, trying hard not to look at her for fear of seeing the look of fear and revulsion in her eyes. Now that she had seen him for what he was it was only a matter of time before she ran away and left him, in the end they always left him.

He followed her downstairs and in to the kitchen, he was greeted with a huge smile from Alex, _"Hey sweetie" _she crooned, _"It sure is good to see you up and about. How's about letting me check you over quickly" _he gave her a tight smile, not wanting to aggravate his head any more than he already had and she took this as permission to continue. He stood there meekly as the doctor carried out her inspection of his head and hands, satisfied that everything was as good as could be expected she motioned for him to sit at the kitchen table. _"I need to change the bandages on your hands honey, is that ok?"_ He looked at her and gave her another small smile.

_"Sure"_ he told her. _"Hold it together old man" _the voice in his head told him, _"Let her do what she wants and then find a way to get out of here". _He began formulating an escape plan in his head, now that his friends knew his secret he had to get away. He knew that they wouldn't understand, they would think that he deserved it, that it was his fault. That was a lesson he had learnt from his father a long time ago.

Alex went about removing the bandages from Horatio's hands; she carefully cleaned the open wounds and re-wrapped his hands as gently as she could. Glancing at his face as she was tending to his injuries she noticed the internal battle he seemed to be waging with himself, she knew that she needed to get him to open up and talk to her but she was at a loss as to how to go about it.

Calleigh felt uncomfortable looking on and so she occupied her mind by brewing a fresh pot of coffee, as she was reaching into the cupboard she knocked a cup over but was too late to stop it from smashing into pieces when it hit the ground. Horatio bolted from his chair, knocking it over in his haste to get away. He ran into the lounge and lent himself back-first against the nearest wall; suddenly the images from that fateful night at his house came flooding back. Grabbing his head in both hands he groaned in agony as his emotions ran riot inside of him, feelings of fear, loathing, disgust and despair threatened to overwhelm his already fragile state of mind. _"No, no. No!" _he shouted at himself, _"Get out, just get out!" _he tried squeezing his head between his hands and welcomed the pain that shot through him.

Both women had followed Horatio into the lounge; his reaction to the broken cup had taken them both by surprise. _"My God, I feel so helpless" _Alex thought to herself, bracing herself for a hostile reception she walked slowly over to her tortured friend. _"Sweetie?" _she squeezed his arm lightly.

_"Get off!" _he screamed, _"Get the hell away from me!" _he snarled as he pushed her roughly away. _"Leave me alone" _he pleaded as he started sinking towards the floor, his whole body shaking violently.


	7. Chapter 7

**Once again I have been blown away by the responses to the last chapter, I'm really glad that you guys are enjoying reading it!**

**Here's the next chapter for you...**

Fear kept both women rooted to the spot, they had never seen their friend in such a terrible state before and it shocked them both to the core. He sat there, elbows on his bent knees and his head in his hands, wishing that the voices that were hounding him would stop. _"Look at you. Pathetic" _they taunted him, _"You call yourself a man?" _ He squeezed his eyes shut and balled his hands into fists, unable to stop the sob that slipped from his mouth.

Alex suddenly realised that she was horrendously unequipped to help Horatio and she silently wished that she had paid more attention to the psychology lectures in med school. Knowing that he needed more help than she could give him she racked her brain trying to think what she should do next, she glanced at Calleigh who was standing in the doorway, hand covering her mouth and sobbing gently. _"Honey?" _Alex prompted, _"Calleigh, he needs more help than I can give him, I think I'm going to make a few phone calls and see if I can get in contact with one of my colleagues"_

Calleigh shot her a look of pure horror, her mind immediately conjuring pictures of her beloved boss being carted off by the men in white coats and kept in a padded cell. Alex caught the look on her face and quickly reassured her, _"Honey, don't worry" _she began, placing both her hands on Calleigh's arms as she spoke, _"I won't let them take him away but he needs to deal with this and as much as I hate to say this, we're not what he needs right now" _Calleigh gave her a weak smile, trying with all her might to compose herself.

Alex took her phone from her purse and left the room quietly, Calleigh continued to stare at Horatio who was sobbing quietly and muttering softly to himself, she had to fight the urge to run over to him and take him in her arms. She wanted to tell him that everything would be alright but right now she wasn't even sure if that was true, she had absolutely no idea what to do for him. _"I'm sorry"_ he whispered, looking up at Calleigh, he looked like he had aged ten years overnight.

Willing herself to keep eye contact with him she crept over slowly towards him, _"Do you mind if I sit with you?" _she asked hopefully, not sure of his reaction. When he nodded his head slightly she sat down opposite him, legs crossed. The silence in the room was starting to get uncomfortable but she wasn't sure what to say, afraid that saying the wrong thing would trigger another outburst from him. _"Alex is making some phone calls Horatio, we're going to get you some help"_ He looked at her once more and she would never forget the look in his eyes for as long as she lived, he looked utterly defeated.

_"Don't waste your time" _he told her, sighing. _"I'm not worth it"_

Calleigh was about to respond when Alex returned to the room who motioned for her to follow her. Once in the kitchen Alex filled her in on her phone calls, _"I've called a friend of mine, Jeff, he's going to come over and see us, he should be here soon" _

Still having visions of watching Horatio being carted off in a straightjacket she looked warily at Alex, _"What kind of friend Alex?"_

_"He's a psychologist that I've known for a long time, he's just going to come and have a chat with Horatio" _Alex tried to reassure her, _"For the moment this is strictly off the books. No hospitals, no records"_

_"Alex, you realise that if this gets out it could ruin his career. They'll have him riding a desk for God knows how long if Psych services get wind of what's happened!"_

_"Sweetie, Jeff works as a private psychologist" _she said as she motioned for Calleigh to sit with her at the table, _"I'm hoping he can spend some time with Horatio and help him work through his issues before it's too late. For the moment it's just between you, me and Jeff and I plan to keep it that way"_

Calleigh opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by a knock at the door, Alex placed a hand on her arm and motioned for her to stay where she was, _"That should be Jeff, I'll get it sweetie"_

Alex strode purposefully towards the front door and was relieved to see a middle aged man in a buttoned-down shirt and black slacks standing on the other side, _"Jeff" _she sighed in relief, _"Thanks so much for coming over at short notice"_

_"Not a problem Alex" _he told her, _"I was getting thrashed in my game of golf anyway" _he smiled at her as he crossed the threshold and entered the house. _"So where will I find him?" _he prodded gently with a wry smile on his face.

_"He's through here honey" _Alex led him through to the lounge, Horatio was still exactly where they had left him, he had stopped sobbing and instead was resting his head on his crossed arms. _"Please help him" _she whispered to her colleague before glancing back once more at Horatio and leaving the room.

_"I'll do my best" _he reassured her as he turned his attention back to the figure sitting on the floor.

_"Horatio?" _he spoke gently. Getting no answer he raised his voice a little louder, _"Horatio, my name is Jeff. Alex has asked me to come over and talk to you, is that ok?"_

_"I'm not worth it" _he told the doctor, without looking up.

_"Why do you think that?"_

_"Because it's true" _Horatio responded bitterly, _"They can't even face looking at me anymore"_

_"Who can't Horatio?"_

_"Alex and Calleigh" _he told him, glancing at the doorway.

_"Did they tell you that?"_

_"No, but I can see it in their eyes. I disgust them" _he sighed and hung his head sadly.

_"You know Horatio, it looks awfully uncomfortable down there" _Jeff motioned to the floor, _"I think you'll be more comfortable sitting on the couch, don't you?"_

Horatio eyed him warily but conceded that the cold floor was hard and unforgiving on his weary bones; he slowly raised himself to his feet, leaning on the wall for support and sat down on the cushioned furniture. _"What now?" _he questioned the doctor, _"Are you going to tell me I have anger issues or something?"_ he growled in a low voice, trying to intimidate the harmless looking man in front of him.

_"Do you use that stare a lot Horatio? I bet it works on all sorts of people"_

Growing tired of trying to match wits with the other man Horatio asked him, _"What do you want?"_

_"I want lots of things Horatio" _he responded calmly, _"But there's a difference between what we want and what we need"_

_"Stop playing games with me!" _Horatio shot back, feeling his patience wearing thin. _"I've already told them and I've already told you, I'm not worth it! Why don't you all just leave me alone, I don't need your help!" _he shouted as he rose from the couch intent on leaving the room.

_"I think you do" _the doctor paused as Horatio shot him an incredulous look. _"And I think you know you do too"_

_"And how did you work that one out, Jeff?" _he spat back, feeling his temper fray further.

_"Because you wouldn't have answered your phone when Calleigh rang you the other night"_

_"I answered it because I knew that she wouldn't stop ringing me otherwise!" _he countered.

_"You could have turned your phone off"_

_"Then she would have rung my landline" _

_"You could have left it off the hook"_

Horatio knew he was in no fit state to play mind games at the moment, _"Fine! You win" _he raised his bandaged hands in defeat at the man opposite him, sitting back down.

_"I bet that hurt" _Jeff said, pointing towards Horatio's hands. _"How did that happen?" _he questioned innocently.

_"I….uh…..I lost my temper the other night" _the red head stammered.

_"Do you find that happening a lot recently Horatio?"_

Panic swept through him as he recalled his behaviour in recent months, beating information out of a cop-killer, letting a child abuser fall to his death when he could have saved him. But they deserved it didn't they?

_"I've…I've…..um, I've had a lot of stress lately" _he finished lamely.

_"How about we start from the beginning then?"_


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry for the delay, here's the final chapter. I'm not sure if the ending works well enough to do justice to the piece so I shall let you decide...**

He sat on the couch staring at the man opposite him, waiting for him to prise his darkest secrets from him. He was in two minds as to whether stay and face his demons or run away to a dark corner of his mind and hide. He was a strong man, he certainly didn't need some middle-aged shrink telling him what he thought or felt, he had no idea what he had been through in his life, who was he to judge him? _"Are you just going to stare at me or are you going to ask me something?" _he asked the man before him sarcastically.

_"You don't really like doctors do you? Why is that?"_ Jeff asked him, his voice neutral.

_"Maybe because they sit and stare at me and ask me stupid questions!"_ Horatio shot back.

_"Alex tells me you don't like hospitals either" _

_"What does that have to do with anything?" _Horatio could feel the anger burning inside of him, the man in front of him was pushing his buttons, trying to get a reaction out of him. He cursed himself for falling for such a cheap trick.

_"Most of our fears stem from our childhood Horatio; did you spend a lot of time in hospital when you were young?"_

Caught off guard by the question, Horatio blinked and opened his mouth to say something but abruptly closed it again.

_"Is that when you got the scars?"_

_"Oh no, how did he know about them?" _Horatio thought to himself, panic flooded his mind once more; this man was getting too close to the truth. The voice in his mind told him that if his friends learned the truth that they would never look at him in the same way again, they would think that he was weak, that he got what he deserved.

_"Horatio?" _the doctor got no response from him, knowing that he needed to keep him focused he spoke his name once more, only this time a little louder. It had the desired effect; Horatio's eyes were back on him now. _"Tell me about your family"_ Jeff began.

_"They're all dead" _Horatio responded softly, sighing and looking away, trying to find something to focus on instead of the questions he was being made to answer,_ "My father killed my mother. I killed my father and I let my brother die because I failed him" _he avoided eye contact with the other man; he didn't want to see the judgemental look on his face.

_"I'm sure it's not that simple Horatio. Was your father a violent man?"_

Shame coloured Horatio's cheeks, he didn't need to answer with words, the guilt was written all over his face. _"I should have protected her" _he whispered softly, looking at his feet.

_"How old were you when your father killed your mother?" _the doctor continued.

_"Fifteen" _he answered, still refusing to look at the other man.

_"Did he abuse you too Horatio?"_

He sat there, frozen. His first thought was to get up, leave the room and get out of the house. He had to get away, they wouldn't understand. They never did, they would think that he was weak, a pathetic waste of space that couldn't protect the people he loved.

_"It wasn't your fault, you know"_

_"Of course it was my fault!" _he shouted, _"If I wasn't born then none of this would have happened" _he finished quietly, hanging his head once more and staring at the floor.

_"Is that what your father used to tell you?" _the doctor prodded.

Horatio let out a bitter laugh and raised his head to look at the other man, _"Yes, once he'd finished beating me he'd tell me that if it wasn't for me that he'd have made something of his life. I was just his bastard child, he told me that he'd make my mother and I pay for that for the rest of our lives"_

_"How did your mother die?"_

His face registered the shock as he was caught off guard by the question, suddenly the images of that fateful night came back with a vengeance, he squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to block them from his mind.

_"Horatio. I need you to tell me what happened to your mother" _Jeff coaxed gently, leaning forward in an effort to make eye contact.

Swallowing slowly, he began. _"I came home to find my father in a drunken rage; he was beating her with his fists in the kitchen. He kept calling her a whore and a liar, I tried to stop him but he hit me so hard that he knocked me out" _Horatio took a deep breath as Jeff motioned for him to continue, _"The next thing I remember is him on top of her, he had a knife in his hand. He was…" _his voice cracked as he relived the horrific memories, he clenched his fists and screwed his eyes shut once more.

_"What was he doing Horatio?"_

He would have sold his soul not to be in this position right now, the memories that he had buried for so long were being ripped from the past and thrown into the present. Feelings that he had denied for so long were once more floating to the surface, the urge to run from the room and hide was overwhelming. He steeled himself once more, took a shaky breath and then continued recounting the worst day of his life, _"He was stabbing her. I could tell she was dead, she was looking at me. She was looking at me like I failed her. I felt so angry that I flew at my father; I took him by surprise and knocked the knife from his hands. All of the rage, everything he'd done to my mother, Ray and me, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I wanted to kill him"_

_"How did your father die Horatio?"_

_"We fought, somehow the knife ended up in my hand. He came at me and I stabbed him" _Tears were flowing freely now as he confessed to his sins, _"I had no choice. He would have killed me" _He willed himself to keep his eyes on the floor. _"I failed my mother, I should have protected her" _he whispered softly.

_"It's not your fault Horatio, you were a child. You had no choice in who your family were" _Jeff tried to reason with him. _"Your mother had a choice, she could have left your father but she chose to stay" _Horatio felt his anger rise once more at the doctors last words, sensing his change in emotions the other man quickly changed subjects, _"Tell me how your brother died"_

_"He was a cop too; he got transferred to the narcotics division and went under cover. I told him not to but he wouldn't listen, he got in over his head" _Horatio shook his head ruefully, _"The drugs took over his life, he was murdered because he couldn't get away from it and because I couldn't protect him"_

_"But Ray had a choice didn't he?" Jeff questioned, "It was his choice to join the police, he chose to transfer to the narcotics department, he chose to go under cover"_

_"I should have stopped him!" _Horatio wasn't sure if he was berating the doctor or himself, he ran a shaky bandaged hand through his hair breathing deeply in an effort to control his emotions.

_"Tell me about Speed"_

Images assaulted him once more, visions of the jewellery store and the gunfight that broke out. Speed lying dead on the floor, his vacant eyes staring up at him accusingly. _"We were at a crime scene, the patrol officers told us the area was secured. Speed and I were processing the scene, the suspect came out of nowhere and took us both by surprise" _Horatio stopped to take a deep breath, _"The suspect started firing, Speed's gun jammed…." _He faltered as he relived the memory, _"He looked down to check it. That's when the suspect shot him. I took him down but it was too late, Speed died in my arms. I should have saved him, it was my fault"_

_"Was it your fault that his gun jammed?" _

_"I should have been harder on him, I should have made sure he cleaned his gun regularly" _Horatio shook his head bitterly.

_"But it was Speed's choice not to clean his weapon" _Horatio looked up at the doctor; Jeff knew that his observations were beginning to sink in to the stubborn red head's mind. _"Tell me about your wife, Marisol"_

Horatio's face paled once more, his dear sweet Marisol was dead because of him, because he failed to protect her. _"She was murdered. Because of me" _he hung his head in shame. _"She took a bullet that was meant for me. I put her in harm's way and she paid for it with her life"_

_"Did she know how dangerous your job was, the risks that come with it?" _Jeff questioned gently. Horatio nodded his head, still not looking at the other man. _"She knew the risks yet she chose to be with you, did she not?" _Horatio nodded once more.

Jeff carefully placed his pen and pad down on the coffee table and stood up, Horatio's eyes followed him as he walked to the window. Admiring the view, Jeff turned his head towards the other man; _"I have some bad news for you Horatio" _he began.

Horatio closed his eyes, bracing for the impact of the words from the doctor, _"You're going to tell me that I'm no longer fit for duty aren't you?"_

_"No. I was going to tell you that you're just like the rest of us actually" _Horatio's head shot up at this, _"Messed up, that's for sure, but human just like the rest of us. You're not responsible for the choices of others, you're not responsible for them or their mistakes" _Seeing that he was finally getting through to him, he continued, _"You're not a superhero and you're certainly not God. You have no control over the decisions that those around you make, you need to come to terms with that. You know that poem by John Donne, 'No man is an island'?" _Horatio nodded once more, _"You need to let people in Horatio, asking for help doesn't make you weak, your friends are what make you stronger. From what I can see you have two fine friends sitting out in the kitchen who are worried half to death about you right now"_

_"So what now?" _Horatio sighed.

_"I believe you're on medical leave for the next seven days. You and I are going to spend some time getting to know each other better and you're going to spend some time with your friends, talking about how you feel. I won't lie to you; you're in a pretty bad place right now. Opening up today has been a start but it's going to be a long old road. I'm going to ask Calleigh and Alex to come back in, is that ok?" _Horatio nodded, closing his eyes and dreading the look on his friends faces.

Ten minutes later the two women followed Jeff back into the room, Calleigh and Alex sat down on either side of him on the couch. He still couldn't bear to look at them, _"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" _he said, his voice barely a whisper.

_"You've got nothing to be sorry for Horatio" _Calleigh told him fiercely, _"We love you; nothing you could say or do would ever change that. Whatever happens we'll be here for you, don't ever forget that"_

He could hear the sincerity in her voice and felt the power in her grip as she squeezed his arm in support. Perhaps he wasn't alone after all.


End file.
